Fiction
Jar of Sperm
Ken Wainio
I Guess it was Harry Thorndyke who really put fucking in my head. Though I'd scrimmaged with the notion for years even before the time I reached puberty nobody had so impressed upon me the dire need of getting laid. Not the ingenious speculations of Larry Rogers, the desperate conniving of Lonnie Sherman, nor the sober consultations of concerned adults. It was Harry Thorndyke my oldest if somewhat fair-weather friend who first brought me to terms with the disconnected feelings I had about actual romance. It was he who explained the absolute necessity of getting laid no less important than once had been the production of sperm.
Harry was so cool that coolness seemed to have been invented with him. Tight pants and pointed-toed high-heal shoes were in then and Harry had the tightest pants and most pointy shoes imaginable. He sometimes had to take the stitches out to get his pants off and he walked sideways because his toes were crabbed. He never lost fights, was a top-notch athlete, knew everything about cars and motorbikes, and had plenty of girlfriends. Girls threw themselves at him like insects at a windshield.
What was also cool about Harry was what was wrong with him. He had a sunken chest that held a whole cup of water when he was lying on his back. There was something terribly wrong with his lungs and he'd cough blood hawking red gobs in front of people he didn't like. He was also dumb. He was so dumb in class he couldn't read a third grade speller but that made him even cooler because he never did any homework. The teachers actually felt sorry for him doing their best to keep from flunking him.
Cool as Harry was he did have strange habits. He liked to eat on the toilet. We'd go over his house on a Saturday morning and get him out of bed. His mother would fix him breakfast and we'd all go into the bathroom for a private discussion. Harry was always king of the discussion wisely seated on the toilet with his plate on his knees the smell of bacon and eggs mixing with that of his shit.
One morning of the world it was Ben Warden, Lonnie Sherman, and I in the bathroom with Harry. He'd told us earlier that if we wanted to get laid we had to quit squandering our precious sperm and save ourselves up. Lonnie pulled an old meat sauce jar out of his jacket. "Look here!"
Harry squinted at the jar. It was full almost to the top with a slimy gray substance brown and scab-like at the bottom greenish-blue around the edges where mold had collected. "Don't open it," cautioned Ben.
"It's sperm!" Lonnie whispered ecstatically.
It had taken the three of us with occasional help from chance friends two or three weeks to fill the jar. We had initially undertaken the experiment as a kind of joke just to see how much we could come up with. But Lonnie had gotten carried away and believed our sperm had magical properties associating sheer quantity with potency. He'd already been slipping a little to certain girls in soft drinks and wanted to dump the mixture in the school water supply.
"You're nuts," said Harry, tapping the jar with his fork. "That sperm is mostly dead. It only lives a few minutes tops. You couldn't get the ugliest girl in school to lay you with that stuff."
"What about if the sperm was still alive?" asked Ben slowly.
Harry forked up a mouthful of pancakes and sausage. "Not even then or maybe it would have some sort of effect you never know. I've heard of stranger things. The problem would be in getting her to take the fresh sperm and a blow job is the only reasonable way to do that."
"If you could get a blow job why the hell would you need to fuck with this stuff in the first place!"
"Exactly my point but if you jackers are so hot to get laid maybe I can solve your problem."
"You can!" exploded Lonnie.
Harry pissed between his legs. "Sure I can numb nuts what kind of day is it?"
Lonnie jumped up on the tub and gleamed out the window. "It's still raining."
Harry took a last bite of pancake sopped in egg yolk, wiped his ass and flushed the toilet. He checked his beard in the mirror secretly humiliating us all, still working on our pubic hair. "I think I can get you guys set up with Virginia Hook."
"Virginia Hook!"
"That's right." He decided not to shave merely slapping on English Leather and combing his hair down into his eyes. Virginia Hook was a junior in high school. She had bright red hair and huge green eyes, a little on the fat side. "Have you screwed her before?" asked Lonnie.
"No but I've gotten her naked. She's got big tits and a cunt that won't stop. I got four fingers in the last time."
"Oh shit!" Lonnie ripped open his pants. "You crazy fucker," said Ben. "I can't help it give me the jar quick!"
I handed him the jar. He set it in the tub managing to unscrew the lid with one hand while he worked his cock with the other shooting into the holy container. "Oh Jesus Christ Son of God that's good!"
Harry looked on in disgust. "Not as good as the real thing fucker. Now let's go if you can still do it after wasting yourself like that."
We went outside to wait for the rain to let up under shelter of the porch. Harry told Lonnie to get rid of the jar of sperm saying it would only cause trouble to have a thing like that around but Lonnie refused. He had invested his heart and soul in the jar and had even started praying to it.
Harry and Ben both had motorbikes. I got on the back of Harry's bike and Lonnie got on the back of Ben's. We were riding illegally neither Harry nor Ben old enough to have a permit but on country roads it didn't mean squat. There were almost never any cops.
We knew through Virginia's younger brother Brownie who sometimes stole jack-off material for us from his parents that Harry wasn't just bullshitting. Virginia was definitely supposed to be into sex. In fact the whole Hook family was supposed to be into sex. Harry said he'd made a date with Virginia for that day and there wasn't supposed to be anybody there but her and Brownie.
Brownie answered the door. He was a fat kid a few years younger than us with straw-colored hair and big green eyes like his sister. He was eating a doughnut white powder down the front of his shirt.
"Hi guys!"
"Who's there Brownie?" came Virginia's exciting high-pitched West Texas drawl.
"Harry Thorndyke and some of the guys."
"I'll be right out!"
"She's trying on her new bathing suit," explained Brownie.
"No shit?"
"No shit it's the bikini kind too."
Stamping the mud off our shoes we warmed up by the stove. We could hear Virginia bumping around in the bedroom keeping time to a Beatles tune. Everybody was nervous except Harry. He sprawled on the couch with the heel of one pointy-toe shoe hooked on the edge of the stove a shit-eating grin on his face.
The door finally opened and Virginia came out in her bathing suit the bikini kind. It was so tight we thought the seams would bust, cutting into her bottom like the fat around Brownie's pants. You could see the top of her ass crack, the hair at the edge of her crotch, her nipples muzzling through the blue cups. She did a slow rippling pirouette then turned the hem down in front exposing the famous maker label which we studied like a nest of starved young hawks.
"You boys like it do you Harry honey do you?"
She smeared his hair and skipped away when he tried to grab her. She promenaded across the room swinging her hips and patting the air like a big invisible sheepdog was following her around. She put a freshly shaved leg up on the couch, tightened the bow at her hip, pranced and giggled across the room again, brushing against Ben who made a strangled croaking noise as she went by into the kitchen.
"You boys want something cold to drink?"
We all croaked yes.
She came back with Cokes and distributed them looking each one of us over carefully. "You're kind of cute," she said to Lonnie. "But you sure looked funny when that horse bucked you off last Fourth of July parade. Yes Mam."
Before he could respond she was looking Ben over. "And you sure can throw a football. I saw you play one day down at the school flat."
She was already taking me in. I could tell by her dour expression that I wasn't going to fair as well. "I've never really noticed you before. You're kind of weird somehow. Why is he weird?" she said, suddenly flopping down in Harry's lap.
Harry eagerly folded his hands around her waist. "He just doesn't know his ass from a hole in the ground."
"He's a fucking bookworm," put in Ben.
"A bookworm huh?" She fluttered her lower lip with one blood-red fingernail, then flipped her hair around to plant a big kiss on Harry's mouth. "But you're not weird are you Harry no Mam!"
They started French kissing. We sucked our Cokes and squirmed against one another battling for a good view.
"You guys want some Red Hots?" asked Brownie. He pulled a box out of his pocket and gave us each a handful. We gobbled automatically gawking at the couple with open lust.
"Can I have some too?" said Virginia extending a red claw.
Brownie dumped some from the box. "You like Red Hots Harry?" She stuck her tongue out a gob of candy on the tip and worked it slowly into Harry's mouth. Then we lost track of their faces again.
Lonnie pulled his coat off clunking the sperm jar. "What's in your pocket?" asked Brownie.
"Meat sauce."
"Really? Want to make spaghetti?"
Virginia was whispering in Harry's ear. They stood up clutching at one another and went into the bedroom like some kind of flesh museum. Harry gave us the shit-eating ok signal and shut the door.
"Fuck!" moaned Lonnie.
"Let's make spaghetti," said Brownie.
Ben slammed his fist into the couch. "I knew it that asshole's going to get laid while we sit out here and rot."
"Shut the fuck up," hissed Lonnie. "I'm going to see what they're doing."
He tiptoed to the door and cautiously edged it open a crack. Ben and I worked our way up behind him. Harry was dry-hunching Virginia with all his clothes on. Lonnie pulled the door shut. "Let's wait awhile maybe she'll take her suit off."
Ben grabbed Brownie in a headlock. "Got any naked pictures?"
We went into Mr. and Mrs. Hook's room. Brownie opened the shade letting in gray light. Clothes papers and ashtrays were strewn everywhere. Brownie took a shoebox out of the nightstand. It contained snapshots of naked men and women as we'd seen before. They were small black and white and not very detailed. Brownie pointed out the nude Hooks at some kind of party other naked people sitting around in the background. Everybody looked drunk and ugly.
"These are weird," said Lonnie shaking his head. "Haven't you got anything else snapshots of them fucking or anything?"
"Not that I know of want to make spaghetti?"
We heard hysterical giggling and tiptoed back to Virginia's room. Ben opened the door a few inches. Now Harry was stripped to his underwear and Virginia was on top of him still wearing the bathing suit. Lonnie made a noise and Virginia sprang out of bed pulling the door shut and locking it. We heard the bed springs creak and more smacking giggling and sighing.
"You dumb ass," said Ben in despair. "Now we can't even see."
"Fuck it she's only got the hots for Harry anyway. Let's make some spaghetti and meat sauce that'll bring her around."
We went into the kitchen. Brownie got out a pot and started boiling.
Lonnie tossed a frying pan on the skillet and lit the flame. "Hell," said Brownie rifling through the cabinets. "We haven't got any onions I'm going to run to the store and get some."
"Good idea maybe you'll work off some of that fat."
Lonnie fetched the meat sauce jar and ladled a gob into the skillet. It began snapping and sizzling black smoke fuming up. He dumped in more of our collective spew until the bottom of the pan was covered. It was still smoking so he added water and it started boiling.
"Shit," said Ben looking over his shoulder. "That doesn't look anything like spaghetti sauce."
"Fuck it we'll tell her cream sauce."
"It stinks!"
But Lonnie was oblivious sprinkling on various herbs stirring chuckling and humming a Beatles tune. "She loves you yeah yeah yeah."
The front door opened. "Hey what's that smell!"
"Shit it's Mr. Hook!"
We headed for the backdoor but it was nailed shut for some reason. There was only one other place to hide the bathroom. Ben and Lonnie made it but I wasn't fast enough and settled into a casual pose by the window. There was a book lying on the sill some kind of love story with a half-naked couple kissing and I pretended to be reading as Mr. Hook appeared in the doorway.
"Christ all mighty what is that stench!"
He glanced at me then at the bubbling pan spices scattered everywhere.
"What are you kids making?"
"Spaghetti and meat sauce I guess." My heart was keeping time to the Beatles tune the rain seemed to be drumming on the back porch. The patterns the water made on the window were so beautiful I longed to be out in it.
"Spaghetti my ass. This looks like some kind of drug are you kids taking drugs?" He sniffed the jar. "Jesus it's rotten! Is this some kind of animal glue? You know it can kill you if you snort it."
There was the sputter of imploded laughter from the bathroom. Mr. Hook banged on the door. "Is that you Brownie come out of there."
There was more scuffling and snorting within and Mr. Hook jerked open the door. Lonnie and Ben were furiously combing their hair in the mirror.
"What the hell are you kids doing here?"
"Nothing much," said Lonnie. His face was blank but with an underlying muscular tension that looked as if he were about to develop into a werewolf.
Mr. Hook turned off the flame. "Are you guys crazy you'll kill yourself if you take that stuff!"
"It's just cream sauce I guess maybe it went bad or something it had been on my mom's shelf a long time."
Mr. Hook noticed some of his naked pictures strewn on the kitchen table.
"You kids are not only cooking glue in my kitchen but you're going through my room. I've got a mind to . . ."
Virginia appeared cinching a fat belt around a floral dress. "What's that stink dad?"
"You tell me."
She looked innocently at the pan then accusingly at us. "Is it ready!" cried Brownie bursting through the door. "I've got the fucking onions!"
"Jesus Christ you're all nuts!"
Virginia noticed Harry slipping out the front door and ran after him. Mr. Hook grabbed the pan and handed it to Brownie. "Dump that out right now!"
"Ah gee it's just meat sauce."
He went out with the smoking pan. We were edging toward the door. "Not so fast you guys you're interested in these photos aren't you?"
We backed shaking heads. "You know I'll bet you guys would like to see some real stuff wouldn't you the big moving kind? I've got this cabin in the mountains and a projector. Maybe we could all go fishing sometime."
We made it out into the rain where Mrs. Hook was lecturing Virginia under cover of the carport. Harry already had his bike running and I leaped on the back. We tore out and the others followed.
"Did you fuck her?"
He kicked the bike into high gear and screamed back into the wind rain stinging our faces. "She wouldn't let me because she's afraid of getting pregnant, she sucked me off though! I tried to get her to give you guys a chance but then the Hooks came home! What was that stink anyway?"