» Art
» Poetry
» Essays
» Reviews
» Contributors

My Medical Expert System

Alan Sondheim

My new palmtop came with medical software, a patients' directory that
allows me to track the condition of everyone around me. I can enter
my friends' names in it, complete with their illnesses, my drug treat-
ments for them (also whether they're cured), and the symptoms that led
to my diagnoses in the first place. I carry the palmtop everywhere I
go, tracking their progress from day to day. I love doing this because
I know all the time just how they feel! Here are some results.

Unable to resist, I begin with myself. I must admit I am not a medical
doctor (although I have propensities, like everyone else, in that di-
rection); some of the terminology may in fact seem resplendent and of
my own making. But it is a patients' medical directory, and as true as
can be!

=================================================================

=================================================================

alan sondheim

11/10/94 04:04 neurotic
alan is very neurotic. you would be amazed.
he is very smart.

11/10/04 04:12
he is very hopeless.

11/10/94 04:12:30
he is very very hopeless.

=================================================================

clara hielo internet

11/10/94 13:50 ambiguity
clara hielo internet displays ambiguity. sulfide drugs seem to have
little or no effect. she "tunes" out at the slightest provocation, as
if suffering from an aphasia constituted by thinking good and bad
thoughts together.

11:10/94 13:52
clara hielo internet has a lovely smile. i see everything beautifully
reflected in her lovely smile. she is very hopeless.

11/10/94

Na 22.1
K 1.21
Co2 Y
I did not give her any more lab tests because it would take up too
much room.

=================================================================

thomas zabrowski

11/10/94 07:16 asthmatic
thomas zabrowski cannot breathe when i am around him so I do not know
if he can breathe. he says it is the doldrums but i chalk it up to
malaise.

11/10/94 07:19
he is very hopeless because he cannot breathe.

ER ES ET: Emergency Room Expert System Enginnering Team
EU: Evaluation Unit
From: alt.asthma.zabrowski
To: alt.talk.doctor

"He cannot breathe because you are treating the data base instead of
Thomas."
"We suggest you treat Thomas."
"You have taken up enough of our time."
No lab tests at this time.

=================================================================

"honey"

11/10/94 13:10 ontic
honey is always sleeping.
i am in her dream.
i hope she never wakes up.

11/10/94 13:10
the doctor says i am "honey's" aphasia.
the doctor is very hopeless.

11/10/94 13:13
the universe says i should let her sleep.
now i will be very quiet.

Chol 0
Co2 0
HDL 10/10

I love the lab tests because they make me happy because they are
all liquids and I can roll around in them.

=================================================================